TransitionsFebruary 26, 2017
I have been hibernating in Canada for the last few months, missing Greece but enjoying a different life and re-discovering my country. I had forgotten how big everything is here, from the wild deer that hang out on our front lawn to the trees that are so tall and covered with green moss that I feel like a hobbit might jump out any minute! It’s quite an amazing place and I am grateful to be here, hiding from life a little bit and spending some time soul searching.
Isn't that an interesting phrase? "Soul-searching?" The process of searching our soul for answers, for questions or even for understanding where we are on this path of life right now. I have been spending a lot of time walking in the forests doing just that. Winter is always a time for going inside ourselves and seeing where we are, a time to quiet down and reflect upon our lives and the choices we have made. On where we are and even WHO we are. Do you want to know what I have discovered?
I have discovered that I have no idea.
That I am lost.
That I am not in the place or even the person that I thought I was, or even who I think I should be. Do you know the strange thing? These are not new thoughts or feelings. They have been here for awhile, pushed down pretty far and COMPLETELY ignored by me until… until I can't ignore that voice anymore. Until that voice, that essence of you, that Soul, refuses to be ignored anymore. In some circles they call it the long, dark night of the soul. I am not sure what to call it. To tell the truth, if there was any way to keep ignoring it, I would have!
The problem is, wherever you go... there you are.
As we all know from our yoga practice, the hard stuff is there too. It’s not all just fun things, it takes work and sometimes it takes sitting with yourself. In all of your raw beauty and pain and confusion and being lost. Sitting with all of the parts of you and just...being. Just allowing those parts to be a part of you too and knowing that it’s ok. The old ways are not working anymore but in order to find the new way, you have to sit where you truly are. For as long as it takes, until it is time, watching what comes up.
For me, what came up is a completely different way of teaching yoga. At first, I thought that I was done. I did not want to teach anymore and it was time to move on to something new. At first, this was a terrifying thought to have. "But what will I do?! Who will I be?!!" Then it was a sweet feeling of relief. The yoga that interests me now, and what I would like to share, is completely different than how I have been teaching and practicing for the past few years. After all, I am a different person than I was five years ago.
Our Yoga should always serve our dharma (our life's path), we should not serve our yoga. I had forgotten this wise saying and was serving my yoga and expectations, not my dharma. The yoga that interests me is the yoga that helps people to heal. To be able to find their inner strength when they have their own dark nights. The use of energy work combined with yoga asana to help balance your body, spirit and mind. I am starting to discover again the excitement and beginner’s mind that I had when I started to teach years ago. I missed it in my life and in my teaching.
So perhaps these times of deep introspection, while not fun (Gahhhh!!! Not at all!!!) are necessary. To listen to that voice and sit with what it says.
To just ....sit.